You know the weather is turning for the warmer at Casa Absentminded when the search terms start trickling in concerning putting popsicles in one's vagina...or in someone else's vagina.
About whether or not it's safe to put a sweet frozen treat all up in there.
I addressed this long ago and as far as I know the biology of putting sugar in a vagina has not changed in that time. Stick sugary food in your vagina and you'll start brewing beer up there. Skunky beer. Then you'll itch. Then you'll wear embarrassing loose elastic pants to the grocery store.
I understand that it's patriotic to celebrate the fourth of July, but really now. The fireworks will be a letdown.
As of yesterday a search term popped up that brings a whole new dimension to the question. Our little lost Googler queried, "Will putting a popsicle in your vagina stop your period?"
Hmmm...let's ponder this.
No, not the answer to the question. Of course it won't stop your period. Bill Cosby might just pop you one in the nose just for asking.
Instead, let's ponder context of the question and the age of the asker.
I'm thinking female, around 15, living in one of those abstinence only sex education states wearing a totally meaningless abstinence ring. She was told by her boyfriend or some equally brainless BFF via text that popsicles might be effective contraception. Especially if you use the green flavor. No one eats those anyway. The spermies can't swim because their tails are frozen and gummed up with high fructose corn syrup.
When I was 15 the opposite story was going around. That is, if you had sex in a hot tub, you'd boil the spermies like shrimp and cooked spermies keep your monthlies coming right on schedule. And they sort of float on top of the hottub water. Don't ask me how I know this.
Above all, remember, spermies will find a way. You may ask me how I know this.
I keep trying to come up with other scenarios that might explain this question and I just can't. I cannot conceptualize a person in the USA who is old enough to menstruate to NOT know that a popsicle doesn't carry such mystical powers. This is why I'm so hardcore about teaching sex ed to my kids. I will have really screwed the pooch at parenting if any one of my boys brought home a girl with a baby bump trying to explain to me that the popsicle failed.
If that ever happens I'm shoving one right up someone's ass to make a point. That oughta cool 'em off.
Monday, May 16, 2011
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