Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'd rather eat wood.

For dinner this evening my family will experience sad disappointment.

Or, at least, with part of the meal.  The primary part of the meal will consist of some sort of animal charred on my husband's new grill.  It will be delicious.

The other part of the meal, the part that will help move all that meat through our colons, the part of the meal which my children will start to sniffle over, will be lentils slow cooked in my crock pot.  Not just lentils, but lentils with garlic and tomatoes and celery and onions and peppers.  Lentils ala MyAssIsFat.

Yes, my ass, it's not getting smaller these days.

Proof of this is evidenced by a photo my husband took of me and my kids from behind, waiting in some line, at Disneyland, with all the other happy fun seeking family types.  Don't ask to see this photo.  Instead, I will describe this photo for you from the top down so you get the gist.  Tiny head, long thin neck, slim shoulders, long back, thickening waist, ASS, HIPS, THIGHS, long thin legs, cute sandals.  Thank you capslock key.

No sir, I do not plan on putting it up on the internets in any shape or form and you will not be having any Krispy Kremes while you're looking at it.  While you may not be shocked, considering what other body parts are openly displayed on the internets, this photo proved a shock to me.  I felt matronly at Disneyland and I looked it too.  No need to wear mommy body makes ALL my jeans into mommy jeans.

Don't get me wrong here.  I'm not overweight.  Like my forebears, I have inherited a tendency to be pear shaped.  My mother's mother, who we never knew and who I take after a great deal in appearance, was pear orchard shaped.  This tendency to put all one's weight on one's once shapely hips and ass comes as natural as the lentil dish I plan to torture my family with above.

Ten pounds should do it, maybe fifteen.  Weight loss...and pounds of lentils.  Exercise too...something to turn that part of my anatomy into muscle instead of custard. 

Custard filled donuts.  Drool.   I'm getting jowel-ly just thinking about that.

Can you make a donut out of lentils?   Can you make custard out of lentils?  I'm going to have a bowl of oatmeal and a good poo while I think about it.


  1. We are planning to attend a high school reunion of mine this summer. I am trying to lose some weight before then and now so is Pat. She bought some new clothes just for the events there, like in her size 10. But now she can't seem to get them to close in front (pants) and when she climbed onto the scale, it seems she has added another ten pounds and they all go onto her butt and thighs. I think she still looks good but she is very upset.

    So we are eating at home a lot more and similar foods to what you talk about here.

  2. i'm so sick of trying to loose weight, nothing works :(


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