Monday, August 22, 2011

What's on my syllabus, biatches.

I had all kinds of plans for today.  Fantasies.  Warm fuzzy thoughts about sending all my shiny clean children to school all day long and having hours to myself.  The first day of school.  It's finally here!

To start off the morning, creamy gourmet coffee in an earthenware mug and fruits in season, eaten in my newly landscaped backyard, next to my vegetable garden and under my aspen tree.

Then I thought I'd take a long bubble bath with my Kindle, rejuvenating my mind with moist perfumed air and a pretentious novel.

After leisurely towelling off, I'd pick a perfectly ironed outfit from my closet and do my hair and makeup, taking care to match my lipstick to my bra and panty set.

Then I thought I might take myself out to lunch.  There is a new deli in one of our fine casinos that puts together an admirable hot pastrami on rye.  Side of pickle.  Perrier.  Sophisticated.

Then back home to Facebook and watch Mad Men streaming on Netflix until it was time to pick up the kids.

Ha.  Ha ha ha.

This is what I did instead:

My alarm went off at 7 AM and I told it exactly what I thought of it.  Twenty minutes later, which is forty minutes early, my kids were showered, dressed, fed and ready to go to school.  I had to void two checks trying to write out a payment for lunch money.  It's important to not sign both the signature line and the payment to line.

Back from dropping them off, I notice my garage smells like cat pee because one of my feline herd has dribbled half in and half out of the cat box.  I dump a little litter over it and promptly forget about it until the time of this writing.  Probably scared it with the garage door opening mid pee.

I pour myself my coffee, sans fruit, and take it outside, only to find my next door neighbor has replaced her Virginia Slims habit with Camels.  I can smell her and hear her talking to herself through her open sliding glass door.  Back inside it is.  At least the coffee is a fresh pot and not a reheated one.

Onto the computer where I get lost in playing games on Facebook.  I'm proud to announce that my Facebook Sim avatar person woohoo-ed casually with the hot Sim chick living down the block.  In real life, my dumb gay cat Booger has staked out my lap and sheds all over my pink flannel pajama pants.

A bit after noon I smell myself and head toward the shower where I mistake my son's spiderman body wash for my shampoo.  It smells like a cross between bubble gum and lighter fluid.  High on that kind of steam, I completely ignore every area on my body that needs hair removal.

Dressed in yesterday's jeans and a very thin yellow tshirt that was on the top of the laundry pile, it's off to Arby's because I'm craving fried cheese.  I don't bother to put on shoes or makeup.  The kid at the drive thru window rolls his eyes at me when I request ranch dressing for my cheese and I restrain myself from throwing the little container of unwanted marinara at him.

Back home again.  I enjoy my cheese and ranch while listening to one of my favorite podcasts and yelling at the cats for trying to filch my lunch.  There was a moment there when I considered brewing some green tea but I belched and then it passed.

Then I piddle about some doing housework but not of the sort that looks like I did housework at all.  Whatever.  I'm sleepy.

Time to get the kids.  As I'm pulling into the school parking lot I realize that again I didn't put on any shoes but I think better of it as I pull into the same spot I've parked in for the last two years.  You would think my kids would be able to find me on habit but since I'm now sporting Nevada desert blacktop burns on the bottoms of my feet, you would be mistaken. 

Home, where dozens of notices and permission slips are signed and tucked into backpacks with the hope that they might be turned in tomorrow, unlike the checks I gave them for lunch this morning.

Ya know, some warm fuzzy thoughts only turn out to be moldy ones.  I try not to beat myself up about it.

Tomorrow I put old shoes in the van and claim a new closer spot in the lot as mine.

Tomorrow I'm going to toss this old yellow tshirt.  I bought a new one.

Tomorrow I hope to accomplish something concrete and useful and maybe classy.

Tonight I still have to clean the cat box before bed.

Whatever.  I'm sleepy.


  1. I think your Sim left her panties at my Sim's house...I'm just the messenger.

  2. I wonder how many people like me, read your blog but don't comment. It's good to read a blog you can actually relate to. LOL. Second hand camel smoke...P-UU. They should of just named them camel chips/dung, they smell just as bad! I'll take cat pee smell any day, it doesn't linger as long. :)



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