Friday, August 05, 2011

Where I got this dimple on my chin...

My husband took me to dinner this evening.  Buffet.  In a gambling town you can choose between buffet and more buffet and a truck that serves the most extraordinary tacos on the planet.  If the taco truck served crab legs we would have gone there, no question. 

As an aside, I did not bother a local celebrity while he filled his own plate at the buffet even though I find him very attractive. 

Had I bothered him, he might have noticed how freshly shaven and attractive I was myself, but I decided not to bother him on his day off.  I'm telling you, I was lovely and smooth.  In preparation for dinner I shaved all the signs of perimenopause off my face and neck.  Signs too numerous to pluck one by one.  Signs that are becoming more of a problem than they ever have been.  Signs that as I age I am slowly becoming a man and I'm expecting my testicles to drop any moment now.

Anyone know anything about lazer hair removal?  Because I'm seriously considering it.  At the ripe old age of 36, now that I have all my kids in school, I should not have a circus freak beard lady career in my future.  Can't get a 401K in that line of work.  No one calls up the bearded lady to ask for professional advice.

Five o'clock shadow on a woman sucks.  It just does.  So do ingrown whiskers.  I'm at the point in my life where acne is no longer a concern and now all these whiskers go underground to pout and fester.  It's plain rude.

It'll also be plain rude if I get my mother's chin and jowels as I age.  That scourge is already starting and no question about it, when my face starts to descend onto my upper chest, I'm getting some nipping and tucking done.  Now, I love my Mom, I do.  She decorates her family room with chickens, hoards aqua net and adores her vacuum cleaner, but my neck needs freedom from it's genetics.  My mom is 5'2" or about and her jowels fit into her frame.  I'm a foot taller in heels and as I go about in public I do not need strangers directing Tarzan calls at me.

In ten to twenty years if anyone wants to go with me to Brazil on a plastic surgery trip, let me know. 

Justin requests that I get my boobs done too.  Something for him to look forward to in his old age.  A bouncy new place to set my snacks.

If we do it right we can just insert my jowels right into my chest.  Meh.  They'll sag.

I told my husband that this was the reason I was not getting a boob job.


He said I didn't love him.  No I don't, honey.  Not that much.

11 comments:

  1. I don't know how much laser treatment is, but I'll go with you. I'm only 33 and for at least 2 years now, I've had more facial hair than my husband. WTF?! And now that I don't have a uterus, I think my ovaries said fuck it, what does she need us for and took off because it's been 10x worse since my surgery.

    So um yeah...I go through as many blades as my husband does...Nice huh?

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  2. I have gotten laser hair removal over several areas of my body (face, neck, areola, armpit, legs, feet, bikini line). It works best for dark hair on light skin. Some areas respond better than others, but no area has had 100% reduction in hair that grows there. Unfortunately, the most stubborn hair on a woman seems to be on the chin. I've been told that this is because facial hair on women is hormonally linked (grrrr). That having been said, treatments have gotten rid of all of the darkest, coarsest hair on my neck, and much that grew on my chin/upper lip area.

    If you are interested, id shop around a bit before signing up with any one company. I ended up using American Laser. They were one of the more pricey, but if you bought a package of 6 treatments, you got 2 years of additional treatments for free as a sort of guarantee. I got rid of a lot more hair than i would have otherwise.

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  3. I have never had the need for laser treatments,,,yet but when I do I will share the details.

    The snack rest on the boobs is a wonderful idea, lol

    Erf

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  4. I prefer to wax even though it is quite painful and I've accidentally ripped my lip off once. That wasn't pretty.
    Getting old sucks.

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  5. Now you are getting a feel for what men have to go through daily from about the age of 18, or grow a beard (they itch.)

    What is that hole in that woman's chest, something to put a pacemaker into?

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  6. It's botched plastic surgery.

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  7. IMHO, it doesn't get much better than the Rainbow buffet in Bendover. DH and I used to make the two hour drive (back when we were young and unencumbered) just to eat there.
    Recently, we went to the Rainbow poker room and as I was watching DH play, I saw a certain celebrity of sorts. It was all I could do keep a respectable distance and not act like a groupie. (I love when he licks his lips.) I'm sure that he's used to women throwing themselves on him and it probably gets old. (Maybe your typical woman, but the kind who might have a pic of her head superimposed onto the Borg Queen's body.) He's probably like: "Hey, I know I'm super sexy, but try not to get all up in 'my grill'..."
    I'm jealous that you can eat at the Rainbow without fear of driving home in a white-out. (That night took five hours.) Even though it only happened once, I will never forget. Probably the lord's way of punishing me. ;)

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  8. Well, what a pity that my link didn't work. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Magriel

    BTW: I just got my neck and jowels lipoed. Best money I ever spent. I was like all neck before. No jaw line whatsoever. Took 45 minutes and local anestetic. I should have done it ten years ago. For realz.

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  9. My husband said he was probably trying to find a game where no one recognizes him.

    On the other hand, according to our friend that deals poker here and recently got back from dealing World Series of Poker, he says that it's becoming more of the norm for the big games to be downright hostile and rude. The guy might have wanted a table where people were actually friendly and well behaved.

    My husband won a poker tourney at the Rainbow once and brought home a large amount of money. Maybe I can get him to do that again so I can pay for hair removal.

    I've been on I-80 during a white out. Once in pea soup fog. Once we pulled over because it was raining so hard that you couldn't see. Once west towards a sunset that was just breathtaking. That drive changes every time we make it.

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  10. I think the only reason the Lord delivered me home on time was because I had a CTR lesson to teach the next morning. I'm not so sure what would happen today. I'm sure that our next trip will be well into summer.

    My husband took first in a tourney at the Rainbow back in the day. I enjoy playing with other enthusiests in an environment where I know nobody will bet out of turn, fold out of turn, string bet, etc. Gotta get back there soon. I'm jealous that you're so close to all that action.

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  11. I think you're the only one in Happy Valley that's jealous. I head back there and always get asked, "What do you DO there?"

    Why, I sin all day long. Even on Christmas.

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