Tonight I'm at my sister's house. My sister is not home. My sister's husband IS home.
He keeps talking about embarrassing and noisy bodily functions and offering to let me touch his pants. He's retarded, but my sister seems to like him, except on Bunco night.
I shouldn't say such things or read them out loud in his direction. Afterall, they are allowing me to stay in their home for the weekend so I can attend my high school color guard reunion.
In high school I was so unbelievably cool. It's hard to imagine that level of awesome. When you sit in the back of the band bus drinking lemon/lime gatorade and sticking your hands on the tuba player's pants, there is no other way to put it. It was Glee before there was Glee, dammit.
Did I mention that I was also in The Future Farmers of America and heavy into art classes?
I know. It's amazing I was never homecoming queen.
It's been twenty years since I've seen some of the people that I will be seeing tomorrow. In addition to asking them to forgive me for bringing bags of chips to the potluck, I'd like them to only gently pry about any of the following.
- Yes, I grew boobs and yes, those things have become somewhat fond of gravity.
- The silver mini-van outside? All mine and completely paid for. Punk. Rock.
- No, I didn't become a famous artist. However, the photo of my tubal ligation is being used without my permission on several medical sites.
- Sure, I talk sex just as much as I used to but now I know what I'm talking about.
- Yes, I'm still with that guy I married when I was 18.
- And we still do it. At least twice a month whether we want to or not.
- Don't touch my goatee...or my hormone pooch belly...perimenopause is not fascinating. (I just asked my brother in law if I could borrow a razor. I forgot one. He replied, "You're going to need a lot more than a razor if you want to look like you did in high school. PooHead.)
They can, of course, mention this blog. Hello flag sisters! If you know my sister's husband you can ask him about the title of this post.
Just don't mention this to my sister.
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