Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The images in this post brought to you by SOPA and PIPA

From what I've read, those folks who live in the Primary states are getting awful tired of the barrage of negative campaign ads coming at them from every angle.  Computer, television, phone and print ads...more often than not a male voice is telling you why you are a giant turd for even considering voting for one ridiculous candidate or another.

If you say "Newt Gingrich" in front of a mirror three times, what do you think will happen?

Before long it will be coming to my neck of the woods and then I have a kind of reprieve because my television news comes out of Utah instead of my home state of Nevada.  The whole of Utah will be declaring Mitt Romney as their candidate.  It's a given.  Nevada will be a good even playing field full of whackadoodle caucus attendees for Newt, Mitty and Ron Paul.  They'll toss Santorum.

Since I'm a democrat I'm not showing up to the primary, so whatever.

As this race goes on I'm thinking that this race could take a cue from reruns of Sesame Street from the 70's.  Today's Sesame Street isn't useful.  They've politicized it.  They want to introduce characters for every new social injustice.  Just recently a group petitioned to introduce a breastfeeding storyline on the show, you know, so kids won't think boobs are for filling with silicone.  Back in the 70's there was breastfeeding on Sesame Street and it was educational in an earth mama sort of way.  This is how you feed babies.  Today showing a breastfeeding mother is no longer about providing sustenance to an infant but showing the political prowess of a whole new group of earth mamas.  This is how you feed babies and YOU MUST ACCEPT IT.

Yes, I'm recommending that our political parties take cues from Sesame Street before Elmo.

Imagine that some of the characters of our golden youth were political advisors.  What advise would they give today's candidates?

Ernie thinks all this debating is much too serious and would recommend that one of them put a pot on their head when they play maverick.  They'd for sure strengthen their position.  At the very least they'd support blue collar american pot manufacturers.  And every substance that could possibly go in that pot.  From Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinners to kitchy upcycled planters filled with good old American Manure.  Ernie would also advise much squeezing of one's rubber ducky instead of multiple marriages.

Bert thinks that the tone of the debates are not serious enough, what with ten thousand dollar bets and the precisely sculpted and hairsprayed man-dos.  The studious voter is not impressed with pithy soundbites and interrupting one another.  Bert wants to know what you are going to do and how you are going to do it, step by step, without sounding crazy.  It doesn't matter if you're the candidate that might be able to beat Barack Obama but that you be the candidate that can stick to an opinion like oatmeal without sacrificing the pigeons.

Count Von Count wants to know what it's all going to cost him.  He pays the mortgage on his castle and the taxes on his monocles.  If his friends on Sesame Street need a bailout before they get occupied by the puppets from other children's programs he's happy to help, but don't pass the buck to that out of work Harry Monster.  If you can come up with a fair way of distributing the tax burden without cronyism, insider trading, lobbying, Count Von Count will count it, muahaha!

Cookie Monster want candidate that isn't full of hot air.  Cookie Monster want to feel dignity about voting.  Cookie Monster doesn't want to hear candidate blame one another or blame President Obama.  Cookie Monster wonders who the hell is fronting all that Superpack money and why it isn't being used to create jobs.  Cookie Monster knows what it's like to be fisted and Cookie Monster knows about the left hand not knowing what the right is doing, so don't bullpuppet a bullpuppeteer.

Finally.  Be nice.  Share.  Use your imagination.

(Oh, the occupiers from Yo Gabba Gabba want to add, "Don't bite your friends.")

Stop the politickin' and just feed the baby already.

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