Monday, January 02, 2012

My astronomer needs an enema.

I'm not in the practice of making New Years resolutions at this time of year.  For me the resolutions are usually made in late August and failed at by September.  Goes along with the start of the school year when my husband and kids go back to the grind and I get to poop with my bathroom door open once again.  Once I resolved to find inner peace by the way of yoga.  DO I SEEM PEACEFUL TO YOU, DAMMIT?  Yeah, yoga fail even as much as openly pooping may improve my mood.

For 2012, however, along with the presidential election, I'm also facing my 20 year high school reunion around September.  That's the reunion where all the dentists gather in one corner, lawyers in another, investment bankers in a third, computer programmers in the fourth and housewives in the far back behind the caterer's table next to the spent Sterno cans and we all discuss who went bald and who got fat.

It's not just a party though.  It's tradition at my high school that the class in it's 20th year plan a bunch of events for homecoming.  The class of 1993, old fogies smelling like teen spirit, has to spend a week entertaining the class of 2013 with their Katy Perry teenaged dreams.  We walked to school uphill both ways WITHOUT texting anyone on the way.  Hours upon hours of not being able reach out to your friends with the random auto corrected greeting.

Shoot me for thinking it, but I'd like to attend my reunion without my saddle bags.  I can let my hair go grey and show off my new crow's feet, but my new and unimproved pear shape has got to go.  Even if the extra weight has provided me with the boobs I never had in high school.  I don't care at all about showing off my knockers but to be accused of stuffing my pants...the horror!

To help me in not embarrassing myself at the reunion, which I really am excited to go to, Yahoo has provided me with a horoscope for the next year:

Scorpio, 2012 is your year of reckoning! You worked yourself to the bone in 2011, and now you've hit a major impasse. You've got until October to continue experimenting with what you want out of life; after that, big decisions must be made. Saturn is about to take up residence in your constellation for the first time in nearly 30 years. This planet rules karma, time and integrity, so each of these will be key themes throughout the year. Your values will be tested during the last quarter of the year, so get all your ducks in a row by then to avoid the stress of Saturn's inquisition. The good news is that a weight is about to be lifted from your consciousness, and all the background melancholy you may have felt over the past few years should lighten up.

A major eclipse pattern takes hold of your stars in autumn 2012. November's total solar eclipse in Scorpio is sure to rock the very foundation of your life, so get ready for some major shifts in your relationships. Your life will definitely not be the same by the time 2013 rolls around. You're a butterfly and a phoenix - expect to shed some major skin this year.

This could also be one of the most socially driven years you've ever seen. With Mars activating your house of friendship and goals in the sign of Virgo, expect a majority of your energy to be engaged with a barrage of social situations. It's all for a good cause, however, and will translate into your bigger life goals; in fact, a good portion of the parties you attend will have some sort of work component behind them. And with glamorous Neptune moving back into your pleasure sector in February, life will suddenly become very art-house cinema for you.

Saturn up in my business?  Major eclipse pattern?  Glamorous Neptune art-house social situations?

...and here I thought they discontinued selling Zima in the United States.

Okay...I can get with all this change but I admit I'm disappointed.  This fortune cookie is telling me that I'm not getting rid of my saddle bags until after the reunion!

I ate fish and salad for dinner for nothing.

I want a donut.

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