Not that any Academy Award attendee looked dazzling or dreadful last night. Everyone looked appropriate. We saw leg. We saw high boob, low boob, side boob and a near nip slip. We saw jewels and velvets and chiffon. We saw tuxedos. We saw entertainment news reporters act like what they wore mattered.
Then we were bored, even with the lack of taupe evening gowns, and turned it to Real Time with Bill Maher. Rerun. Suze Orman was a guest. I don't know Suze's political leanings but those earrings of hers are definitely Republicans.
Being a seamstress, red carpet fashion is something I used to care about. Oooh look, that gown has got some kick ass boning under the armscyes. Check out that sequining...wonder if that was hand sewn or done with a tambour. My god, can you believe her hem? A half inch too short! If that very famous and somewhat talented actress cinches that dress any tighter, she's going to fart and rip it.
Who are you wearing? Zach Galifianakis is wearing Garanimals. I'm wearing a Martha Stewart queen sized flat sheet.
Admittedly, it would be a hoot if Kate Winslet showed up at my house and begged me to dress her. I'd load her ass up into my fabulous mini-van and we'd take a ride up to Home Fabrics. Then after choosing a nice damask, we could have lunch served on a garbage can lid at Famous Dave's barbecue.
Or it could be fun if I were nominated for an Oscar myself so I could design and sew my own dress. I'm thinking a faux suede wrap skirt and a latex bodypaint top. That's after I borrow money against my Oscar hopes for a tummy tuck and tasteful yet massive breast augmentation.
This may or may not be what I'm wearing to my 20th high school reunion in the fall.
Alright...I'll go ahead and let on with a best and worst dressed.
Mila Jovovich looked great:
Kristen Wiig did not:
Here's a tambour beading tutorial: