Some of us loathe Valentine's Day. Some of us really get off on it. I'm right in the middle. It's nice to eat overpriced chocolate. I like to do nice things for my husband. I like being naked.
This is pretty much what my husband expects. Sugary food and some attention paid to his boo-boo. Happy Valentine's Day!
After 18 years of marriage this formula for the holiday has not let us down. Then when one of us gets a wild hair and does something more than this, we both feel cherished and loved.
There are bad Valentine's gifts that women give to their men though. Some of us sisters think that if the gift is elaborate, cute and creative, our men will swoon. I have learned not to do this. Truth is, our men will not care. What you women think is just the most adorable pink and red themed gift ever is just a step in a multi-level romantic gesture process for men to get their boo-boo touched.
Then women get disappointed because it wasn't the thought that counts apparently.
Then they get angry.
Then he knows his boo-boo might be in danger.
In general, asking your husband for what he'd like for Valentine's is a good plan. He's the expert on himself. His answers may not be romantic but they will be honest. Likewise, you can plainly tell him what you'd like. Asking other women what your husband might like for Valentine's is not a good plan. Women think up ideas for other women and then your husband has to fake gratitude and other smooshy feelings when you spring any of this on him.
These are gifts you should not give, lest you should be so inconsiderate:
The Valentine's Coupon Book: It is thoughtful to give written and redeemable confirmation for hugs, kisses, steak dinners, backrubs and a night out with the boys...but what are the chances he's actually going redeem any of them past February 15th after you tell him that "hug" is not code for "sex" unless the coupon specifically mentions sex? Yeah, nil. How about you give the man a case of beer and then throughout the year voluntarily give him more hugs, kisses, special dinners, backrubs, boys nights and wild monkey sex? The coupon book is going to sit in a drawer gathering dust. Don't let your bodies gather dust.
A Trip to Build a Bear: Might as well right? You're already at the mall to get that glitter encrusted singing Hallmark card, which is another drawer dust gatherer. He'd love writing a special message on a heart to put in your bear and you know exactly what to write to put in his bear, right? Then the bears can live and love on your marital bed, dressed as cupids, on top of all the decorative pillows looking out beyond the duvet, a symbol of your forever love. Except, he'd rather Cupid shoot an arrow right through his left eyeball and up into his brain. Plushies are for children and fetishists.
A Valentine Themed Treasure Hunt: Which had better end in something good....like electronics, a chain saw, or a car. Do not make your man chase about the house, or your town, or go full on Amazing Race, only to get to the end to find a plate of spaghetti and some cheap wine served near a dripping candle. You might be forgiven for wasting all his time if at the end you are at a cheap hotel wearing the kind of cheap negligee you can rip. Never ever have your mother with you at the end to see his reaction.
Chocolate: He knows this isn't for him. It's for you. Buy him candy he likes and keep your mitts off. Do not attach tags made from scrapbooking paper and stamping crap or wired bows or pink fluff to his candy. It only confuses him to whether he should open and eat it or not. Don't poo poo the idea that he might rather have a bag of Doritoes or some beef jerkey.
The Experimental Special Homecooked Meal: This means you don't add several drops of red food coloring to his favorite white foods to create the blush of love. This is not the time to buy hundreds of dollars worth of truffles because they are the secret ingredient that will make his favorite meatloaf an occasion. Don't decide that you're going to learn how to prepare a boeuf wellington that day. Stick with tried and true, serve a romantic straightforward beverage, and then save the simple dessert for after the boo-boo touching.
Heed me well ladies. Valentine's Day is a cooperative event that takes much communication and understanding. No one loved each other better because the gesture had more foil, glitter, rose petals or pink plush fabrics. Hold the man, look into his eyes, tell him that he's a good man and that you love him, then appreciate his boo-boo.
After that, make him a sandwich.
Monday, February 13, 2012
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