Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Class fieldtrip to The Bunny Ranch

When you live in a house full of male personages, the nightly conversation usually centers around butts, farts, burps and wieners.

As in the line: 

Hey girl, you oughta be selling hot dogs because you already know how to make a wiener stand.

And the response from my 13 year old son:

I get that!

If you'll humor me for a few minutes, I'll add up how many lurid biological mentions came out of my sons just during dinner and then I'll share a box of my Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies with you. 

Hmmm...I'd give it around 20 for each of them.  That's 60 mentions of a burp, fart, butt or a wiener.  Twice a minute while we shoved tacos into our gobs.


Don't you dare.


At the very least my kids are the product of the Nevada school system where they receive a comprehensive sexual education.  By the time they are 16 years old they will have an understanding of how babies are conceived, how their bodies will change so they can eventually conceive babies, which diseases to avoid during the act of conceiving babies and how to practice conceiving babies without actually conceiving babies.  Then at home I talk about conception and wieners with them without so much as a blush or a stutter. 

This all translates into comfortably making uncouth jokes around one's mother.  Around your mother too if you give them half a chance.

This might be useful if your state of residence is Utah where the governor is mulling over vetoing HB363.  This bill allows school districts to opt out of teaching sexual education entirely and if it does decide it will offer sexual education, that education will not allow the mention of contraception in any form, the use of the word "gay" or any other term in the thesaurus for it, or any mention of sex being an activity one can participate in outside the bounds of marriage.  No materials may be used except for abstinence only materials. No mentioning masturbation or porn.  No pamphlets about herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea or even those innocuous crabs.

The sponsor of the bill, Rep. Bill Wright says, and I'll quote, “We’ve been culturally watered down to think we have to teach about sex, about having sex and how to get away with it, which is intellectually dishonest. Why don’t we just be honest with them upfront that sex outside marriage is devastating?”

It doesn't occur to Rep. Wright that men and women might need comprehensive education within the bounds of marriage well before the wedding night.  I can count on both hands undereducated men and women of MY generation who thought women peed out of their vagina.  I knew of women who refused to use tampons because it compromised their virginity.  That kind of knowledge is sure to lead to successful sex and marriage.

Most of the residents of Utah do not want this.  As it stands now, both in Utah and my state, sexual education is opt in.  That is, they send a note home, they tell you what subjects will be covered, give you the opportunity to review the materials, then check box any to all subjects you want your kids not to have misperceptions about.  Like, how it's so not possible to get pregnant if you do it standing up in a really hot shower and then you douche with Mountain Dew after.  If you don't click any boxes, your kid gets sent to the library to watch Milo and Otis.

If kids need to learn about sex, that learnun should be done at home, with Mom and Dad, who love each other very very much and were virgins on their wedding nights, peeing out of their vagina.

Parents of my generation are becoming more comfortable talking sex with the kids, which is great.  I know I have no problem with it.  However, how come too many of us are still embarrassed to do this?  This is how bills like this get past the legislature in the first place!  The thought of your kids knowing that you've actually done it, at least once for every natural born child in the household, shouldn't leave you catatonic!  You are having sex and still hoping for the intellectual dishonesty of getting away with it!  

Point is, sex should be discussed rationally.  It should be talked about at home with compassion, kindness and morality.  It should be talked about at school, in the presence of your peers, so you remove stigma, myth and the isolating feelings of a normal puberty.  Proper and factual information and services should be provided for kids that want and need them, without shame.

I once thought maybe I'd like to move my family back to Utah...

If this bill can pass through the legislature and is waiting for a nod from Governor Herbert, maybe not.

I'd barrell into the state and end up tarred and feathered.  My kids too.  Yup.

Wiener.

***Update:  Governor Herbert did veto the bill. 

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