Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Snap into a Slim Jim?

As I sit here with a belly full of bratwurst and mustard, my thoughts turn toward January Jones and how she admitted that she is consuming the placenta from her most recent delivery.

To her credit she's consuming it in the most sterile and wimpy way possible.  Her placenta was dried and put into gel capsules.  When January feels a little dumpy she pops a placenta pill.  They brighten her mood because they contain more protein and hormones than vodka.

I can't say I have anything against eating a placenta.  Meat is meat.  Not that I order placenta at Applebee's.  We consume worse food every day and think nothing of it.  Edibles that we don't literally make ourselves and really can't vouch for the processing or preparation.  When you eat your own placenta you can relive every pregnancy craving, from that bakers dozen of warm glazed donuts to those Taco Hell nacho cheese gorditas.

January should be eating her placenta the old fashioned way though,  Tearing it to shreds with her teeth, and then sitting back belching with a toothpick.

Strong women do shit like that.  So we can hear them roar.

You strong womyn can join the Placenta Pack but I wanted nothing to do with any of the byproducts  of my births.  The most spiritual experience I expected after my deliveries was praying that stool softeners would do as the label described, for the love of God and Tucks pads.  As a new mother, suffering from hemorrhoids, engorged breasts, and meconium diapers, I can't say I was dreaming about closing the circle of life by getting crafty with afterbirth.

There was to be no taking cutesy photographs of the placenta for the birth announcement.
There was to be no making art prints from the placenta.
There was to be no burying of the placenta under the old oak tree that your mother planted as a toddler in Nana's backyard.
No placenta chanting or ritual line dancing.
No placenta stuffed animals.
No making moccasins out of tanned placenta.
No making decorative soaps or lip balms out of the placenta.
No throwing placentas at anyone wearing fur or leather, unless they are wearing placenta moccasins.

The hospital staff took my placentas away for incineration.

Or home to feed their cats.

Meat is meat.

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