Of all the fluids I've ever had running down my face, I can't say I'm enjoying what's leaking out of my ear as much as I have others.
It took me the space of a long nap on Friday to develop an ear infection. It's good that the infection is draining. It's bad in that the drainage smells like sweat socks. It's bad because I couldn't get in to see Dr. Huggiepants until this morning.
Ear infections hurt. Doesn't my ear look swollen?
I've been reliving the experience of natural childbirth on the right side of my head for two days. In fact, I'd rather go through childbirth than an ear infection. The fluids are more copious but someone else gets to clean them up for you while you snort baby scent into your lungs. I get the crusty cleanup of stinky ear juice all to myself.
Dr. Huggiepants is a fine physician. He accepted my self diagnosis as a matter of course, did not try to cop a feelsky when pressing his stethoscope to my chest, and explained how to use the after antibiotic yeast infection pill. When he looked into my ear he stifled a, "That's gross!" for my benefit. I really appreciate that.
However, Dr. Huggiepants can not be beat by my neighbor, the amateur pharmacist. My husband texted her Saturday with a plea for medications stronger than ibuprofen and she came through in fine fashion. Just in case she offered me several lovely painkillers, all of which I'm highly sensitive to. She wasn't upset when I refused her Percocets but was more than pleased to give me a couple Tramadol tablets. She described them as "mild".
I agree, they were mild. As in, they didn't make me puke up my guts like a regular person's dose in Lortabs or make me insane like half a Vicodin. When I couldn't deal with delivering a baby through my ear canal any longer I let my husband give me one of the hoarded Tramadols on Sunday.
...and it was bliss.
My pain was gone and I got a wee bit high. Not the agitated paranoia type high but the kind of high where you go to pat your husband's butt while you're both watching Knight Rider in bed and the feel of it is one of the best tactile experience ever. Both pillowy and yet strong, like a pair of Toughskin jeans without the bullet proof seams or maybe my husband's butt was made out of unicorn. Had he removed his boxer shorts his butt fuzz would have sparkled.
Oh Knight Rider! That David Hasselhoff is so perfect and so pretty. I made lurid jokes about his belt buckle. I was 8 years old in a 21 year old body with a cougar's libido and he....HE...saw my soul from three decades away.
Eventually I closed my eyes and floated.
It took about 12 hours for it to cycle through as I woke up around 3 A.M. thinking that this delivery would be a litter of rhinos.
Horse pill antibiotics aren't as fun but I'll take them as Dr. Huggiepants has prescribed.
I'm saving the other Tramadol for the day after my son graduates high school in June.
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