I can't even begin to tell you how I'm all kinds of broken up about those Twilight kids.
You know, because Kristen got her friend to write Robert a note asking him if he liked Kristen, yes or no smily face heart xoxo, and then Robert texted his friend and told him to give Kristen a poke on Facebook and then Kristen's like, no Robert's Friend, I don't like you like that, I like like Robert and Robert saw this and said awesome, and then two minutes later they both changed their relationship status officially confirming their dating and they began suck facing and exchanged vials of their blood.
Then they dated a while, and sucked each other's expressionless faces smearing her eyeliner, and shared each others clothing, and engaged in dubious special effects. It was magical for everyone to witness. Their bond was hope for humanity.
Then, all of a sudden, Kristen felt an unplanned emotion and not in a place or time where Robert could catch it like so many tears in a mason jar. Instead, this dude named Rupert was there and he was so carried away by the miracle of it that he and Kristen sucked face. After that, Kristen dropped Rupert off at his house where he could suck face with his supermodel wife and color shrinky dinks with their two kids.
Unfortunately the dregs of humanity called the paparazzi were awful practiced at catching who was sucking face with who and caught Kristen swapping saliva with Rupert despite wearing Robert's pin and they told everyone in the whole school and posted pics all over the student quad.
Robert got pissed and demanded that Kristen give him back all the mix tapes he made for her, because, dude, no one cries if you tape over Katy Perry. Then he dumped her.
Humanity lost hope.
They also lost four dollars buying People magazine.
It's this loss of hope that upsets me. It doesn't upset me enough to watch their body of work or skim through the associated novels, but I've got a bit of heartburn and some gas.
Please Robert, forgive Kristen! She only had a momentary lapse in judgement and an odd serotonin hiccup. What you are together is forever and forever.
....however, Rupert's wife Liberty should kick his ass to the curb and totally keep the margarita blender his sister gave them for their wedding.
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