Thursday, July 26, 2012

Oh no she didn't...

I can't even begin to tell you how I'm all kinds of broken up about those Twilight kids.

You know, because Kristen got her friend to write Robert a note asking him if he liked Kristen, yes or no smily face heart xoxo, and then Robert texted his friend and told him to give Kristen a poke on Facebook and then Kristen's like, no Robert's Friend, I don't like you like that, I like like Robert and Robert saw this and said awesome, and then two minutes later they both changed their relationship status officially confirming their dating and they began suck facing and exchanged vials of their blood.

Then they dated a while, and sucked each other's expressionless faces smearing her eyeliner, and shared each others clothing, and engaged in dubious special effects.  It was magical for everyone to witness.  Their bond was hope for humanity.

Then, all of a sudden, Kristen felt an unplanned emotion and not in a place or time where Robert could catch it like so many tears in a mason jar.  Instead, this dude named Rupert was there and he was so carried away by the miracle of it that he and Kristen sucked face.  After that, Kristen dropped Rupert off at his house where he could suck face with his supermodel wife and color shrinky dinks with their two kids.

Unfortunately the dregs of humanity called the paparazzi were awful practiced at catching who was sucking face with who and caught Kristen swapping saliva with Rupert despite wearing Robert's pin and they told everyone in the whole school and posted pics all over the student quad.

Robert got pissed and demanded that Kristen give him back all the mix tapes he made for her, because, dude, no one cries if you tape over Katy Perry.  Then he dumped her.

Humanity lost hope.

They also lost four dollars buying People magazine.

It's this loss of hope that upsets me.  It doesn't upset me enough to watch their body of work or skim through the associated novels, but I've got a bit of heartburn and some gas.

Please Robert, forgive Kristen!  She only had a momentary lapse in judgement and an odd serotonin hiccup. What you are together is forever and forever.

....however, Rupert's wife Liberty should kick his ass to the curb and totally keep the margarita blender his sister gave them for their wedding.

4 comments:

  1. Firstly, I didn't know you could still use an Open ID to sign into things anymore, so that is how I shall "identify myself" for this comment. Secondly, a year ago or so I somehow started receiving magazine subscriptions that I don't really want and never asked for. I haven't seen a bill yet so I am assuming they're too dumb to realize their mistake. Anyway, said magazines get put in the bathroom for a quick once over before going to the garbage and I have been fervently following this relationship while I poop. I believe that it is just one GIANT COINCIDENCE that their "irl" relationship seems to be eerily similar to the books (minus the vampire part, but DEFINITELY plus the sparkles). I mean, we all know that the Twilight series perfectly demonstrates exactly how real relationships work and we would be hard pressed to find a relationship that DIDN'T fit that mold...right? RIGHT?!
    *Edit* Apparently my Open ID doesn't work anymore...so boring ol' google it is...

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  2. Huh? I don't understand your post nor this comment. Have you recently noticed the bright objects in the night sky?

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  3. I can't get my Open ID to work half the time either. It's wishy washy that function. That's OK. I let everyone sign in as they will.

    Dick, don't feel too bad about not understanding it. It tumbled out of my brain much like someone's lunch after riding the scrambled eggs at the amusement park.

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  4. I like how this chick ACTUALLY IS Bella Swan. "OMG Edward isn't around so I'ma kiss Jacob and then feel REALLY BAD ABOUT IT and then I will TELL THE EVERYONE TO KEEP ATTENTION ON MEEE MEEE MEEEEE and suffer guilt about not knowing who I love bestohlookshiny!"

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