Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Don't pee on my leg part 2 - What goes on under the robe stays under the robe.

Jury Duty Blotter - September 18th 2012, Elko County Nevada

6:00 AM - Utah Time - I wake up an hour before I usually do.  This is a rude thing to do to my body.  Especially since neither my husband or I have felt well, having had sore throats and sinus issues.  Whilst in the shower I clear my head of everything disgusting and unmentionable and squash it down the drain with my toe.

6:10 - My husband heads out the door to drive 120 miles to the VA hospital in Salt Lake City.  I don't think I have to pay back the coworker who lent Justin his truck for the trip as Justin did some errands in SLC for the guy, but some sort of baked goods or over the clothes sexual favor isn't entirely off the table.  He saved us 60 bucks! 

7:10 - Full of coffee and packing an overnight bag, I'm on my way.  Strict instructions were given to my 18 year old manchild on how to get his two younger brothers off to school and where and when to pick up the youngest brother after school.  Otherwise, the manchild has the entire house to himself the whole day which probably has it's own avenues of disgusting and unmentionable.

6:30 - Nevada Time - I'm stuck behind a semi truck hauling two trailers full of hot black top.  Through the ten miles of one lane construction zone the speed limit is 55.  This semi is chuggin' along at a hot 35 mph.  The truck behind me is weaving all over to get a view of when exactly he can gun it and pass us both.  The semi finally pulls off at the end of the road work zone and the truck behind me hits the gas and surprisingly misses his testicles with his foot, as big as he thinks the are.

7:30 - More construction.  Thirty miles of one lane 55mph orange coned idiocy.  I'm not sharing the freeway with anyone close though and I wave back at the friendly orange hat who waved at me first.

8:30 - Hello Elko.  I can either grab some breakfast or go directly to the courthouse and grab one of the few parking spots before the 9:00 AM report time.  Turns out going directly to the courthouse was a smooth move.  I nab the last and furthest spot in the courthouse lot.  Other jurors are parking up to two blocks away.

8:50 - The bailiff announces to the assembling jurors that if they have parked in the bank parking lot next door that the bank will tow their vehicles.  A quarter of them leave.  Then they break out coffee and pastries to improve our moods.  I skip the food.  It looks like cardboard.  The bank parkers don't get first pick at the bear claws.  Across the lobby I spot a neighbor of mine.  Dammit, she could have given me a ride!

9:00 - We file in one by one through a metal detector and the bailiff's handheld.  He looks through my purse and pauses at the sight of my menstrual cup in it's Barney purple wrapper.  The silicon cover on my phone is also barney purple.  Precious ain't it?

10:00 - Finally we've all been scanned and seated.  The seats in the courthouse are 100 years old and my butt can testify to exactly how old that is.  I sit in the front row next to an old woman with thighs bigger around than my entire body.  She tells me the history of geothermic heat in Elko.  It's surprisingly interesting.

10:30 - We've risen for the judge, a tall woman with fluffy hair, and the clerk reads the charges.   We've are greeted by a DA that shares the same name and approximately the same looks as a celebrity I could name but I won't.  I'm smitten.  The court appointed defense lawyer is just as perky, but it's annoying because she's also female and has a giant silk scarf tied around her neck that matches the color coded post-its she's using on her giant jury box seating chart.  The clerk starts pulling names out of a bingo spinner and calls 23, none of them mine.  I have a scare when she calls some guy named Benjamin because she paused at the B sound, but Benjamin is not Becky and for that I am grateful.  My parents were going to name me Brian if I was a boy but that is neither here nor there.

10:50 - Jurors are asked if they know the lawyers, or the defendant, or anyone the defendant or the witnesses know, if they have prior commitments or experiences with the charges.  Turns out many of the women do and one man.  Jurors are being excused left and right and still my name was not pulled out of the bingo spinner.  I consider this the good karma I earned for waving at a construction worker and holding in a fart.

11:30 - Another juror is excuse and another called, but since he went off to the bathroom, the judge takes that as a cue and gives us a fifteen minute recess.  Those dry pastries are looking delicious now so I snag half a blueberry bagel.  The defendant is visibly shaken.  All the folks being dismissed for having experiences with what he was accused of doing isn't sitting well at all with the guy.  Fifteen minutes turns into a half hour and a whispered meeting between lawyers before we are called back in.  The celebrity DA is packing up which got all of our hopes up but the judge tells us to be back at 2:30.  The whole room sighed.

12:00 - Sitting in a filthy Mexican restaurant without walking distance from the courthouse.  Walking distance is important because I'm not giving up that parking space for love, money or the house flies buzzing around the salsa bar.  The refried beans were good, the fish tacos were depressing and the horchata which I had to go behind the counter and halfway into the kitchen to serve myself was delicious.  Next table over were three young male professionals engaging in a loud discussion on the best way to shave your own ass.  I got a couple pointers.

12:15 - Pouring over books for sale for a quarter at the Elko Public Library.  Why didn't I bring anything to read with me?  I have a Kindle.  I put The Hunger Games on it.  Dammit.  While the librarians are chasing someone's overly friendly pit bull out of the building I snap a photo with my phone:

Hmmm.  Appropriate.

12:30 - I availed myself to a big rack of free magazines at the library and brought back fluffy reading to everyone sitting in the courthouse lobby.  Their gratitude up my karma by several experience points. 

1:30 - Managed to poop in a public bathroom.  Didn't have to squash anything with my toe.  When I get back there is a tall woman in a wild skirt and a bright blue tight ruffled top.  This woman is profoundly talented all up in the front of her chest area and the talent shows.  I recognize her but I can't place where I've seen her before.  Even though our subpoenas instruct us to wear court attire I figure that there is a lot of leeway because what are they going to do, send you home?

2:30 -  You know why no one sits in 100 years old chairs anymore?  Because these chairs deny the existence of cheeseburgers and fries.  Again I sit next to Geothermic Thighs.  She's full of Elko history and tells me that she came to my town to see Engelbert Humperdinck in concert. It all goes together I suppose.  Then we rise for the judge and now I can place where I've seen that woman before...she's sitting on the bench with the gavel in her hand.

After a long speech about civic duty the judge tells us that the parties have reached an agreement and we are excused with thanks.  The celebrity DA turns and winks at us.  I'm sure this is a source of geothermic heat...oh yes.  Him and a chair with a cushion and I could be happy for at least an hour.

3:00 - Before going home I make stops at several clothing stores in search of a skirt.  A young clerk at one store offers me a pair of slacks instead so I ask if they stock them in long lengths.  She asks how long and I tell her I need a 36" inseam.  She says, "How long is that exactly?" 

Should have called her for jury duty.  I bet she votes.


  1. Love your posts!

    Thanks for several big grins and chuckles.

  2. What a funny commentary about jury duty!

  3. You lucked out. Out of 46 called in for interviews, I was Juror #12. I thought about going down to the place where you can hire a laborer for a day and seeing if anyone there would take my position but I figured they would just laugh at me offering them my $10 a day juror pay and the mileage pay wouldn't sweeten it up much as I live only about 2 1/2 miles from the courthouse so 5 miles at 52 cents a mile or whatever it is (I haven't been paid yet) probably wouldn't have swung the deal.

    We were there two days but it only took about an hour to find our guy guilty of all 6 charges. One thing I did learn is to NOT depend on a public defender if you ever have to go to court as a defendant. I think the criminal could have done better by himself. When I do finally get my big check (I am expecting about $25 for two days) I probably WILL spend it all in one place.


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