Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Tremors, anxiety, nausea, vomiting, sweating

You might have thought that God had cut off our oxygen the way my family reacted to having the internet down all weekend.

I mean, how can any of us go on from moment to moment without scores of memes like this one in our lives?

It's funny because it's true...and because I pinned this on Pinterest for later reference because I think cat trees are ugly. 

But what use is later reference when you have no connectivity?  Yesterday evening I was so starved for news and discourse that I willingly watched Storage Wars with my husband.  That show drives me up a wall.  I realized in watching those noisy whiny people competing over the stuff people should have yard saled ages ago that this is the closest thing to what my internet use amounts to.

The Democratic National Convention is beginning and I NEED to blast down the rhetoric of friends of friends on Facebook!  They're wrong or right or ignorant or all of the above all at once which is confusing for everyone especially when it's also delivered with big words and sarcasm.

I've been aching for juicy celebrity news on Yahoo.  Tom Cruise and Scientology contracts out wives and girlfriends you say?  Why, what a logical arrangement for everyone!  Work that brand Tom, work it.  Heidi Klum and Seal are all a bicker?  Oooh!  I need to eulogize that sexy Michael Clarke Duncan...now I'll never have a chance to check out his butt in person.

My local police department made a traffic stop and interrupted a roadtrip three people were making from Iowa with their 40 large bags of pot.  I need to share this news with people I do not know! 

Ducks crossing a four lane freeway in Toronto.  Ack!

Check Snopes.  Check Politifact.  Check FactCheck.org.  Check the Pinocchio Tracker.

How do I decide if this product I see on TV is worth buying until after I've checked the reviews on Amazon?  Is it a ShamWow or a ShamWhy the hell did I buy this?

What if someone challenges me to a game of Words with Friends?

....Netflix streaming is gone.  GONE!

And Skype...no Skype for my 18 year old manchild in the wee hours of the night.  He was gasping for he had not uttered one "dude" towards his nerdy online friends for three days!

Around noon today the internet blinked back on and hosannas were sung.  In the afternoon, after I'd been fully satiated in scrolling and clicking, I had to go to my storage unit to pick up some of my books on my way to get my kid from school.  It turns out that watching Storage Wars wasn't time wasted after all.  There is no other way I would have come to the realization that I should Ebay off some of my shit.

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