Friday, December 28, 2012

Cheeseballs and Crackers

Christmas is about spending time with family and I always do this time of year, here is a glimpse into the delusions and dementia that run rampant in my DNA and psyche, provided by the people I surround myself with.

Onto the quotes

"Stay down bitch!"
- Justin, my husband and co-DNA donor to our kids, whispered in my ear after our 7 year old KO'ed his opponent in Wii boxing.

"Shake it if you want to use it, Alec."
- Kaelan, my Navy bound son, dispersing Wii playing advice to his little brother in a "That's what she said." fashion.

- Tonya, my sister Lisa's partner in life and evil, in nauseated response to my asking my nephew, Seth, if I could sniff his beard. There has to be history in that fur.  His answer was no.

Excuse the grainy phone pic.  Can't you just imagine the scent though?

"We'll have to have baloney on the barbecurr!"
- Brian, my brother in law, upon learning that we'd forgotten to pack up and bring the new york loin steaks we'd bought him. 

"I made the blog. Bout time I was more important than tits on a bulldog."
- Brian, again, happy about his bologna crack making the cut.

"Is that mayans or mormons?"
- Justin, still my husband, answering the question of if the Mayans are full of shit, with their apocalypse and all.

"I cant, Mom said I shouldn't touch."
Tonya again, when asked if she wanted to play with Kaelan's new complicated rubiks cube style puzzle.

"There's dog crap stuck on the ceiling."
- Jill, my little sister, wife of Brian, who knows what to do with a white elephant joke novelty gift.  Makes us wish we all had rubber dog turds to stick to our ceilings.

"Dangit Mom and Wiener on that side of the table.  I'm staying over here."
- Alec, my thirteen year old son, during a game of chicken foot dominoes, in which my awesome plays earn a "dangit Mom!" from him and my 70 year old dad blocks good plays and gets called a "wiener".  My dad won the game.

"I got nothing boring this Christmas."
- Ryan, my 7 year old son, who found his holiday satisfactory.

I hope my readers and other hangers on have also had satisfactory holidays.  Much love from me to you.

...and congratulations to my best friend, who was blessed with a baby girl on Christmas Eve.  She came exactly when she was meant to.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Fa La La La La! Part VI

Here Comes Apocalypse

Here comes Apocalypse,
Here comes Apocalypse,
Right down End of World Lane,
Itzamna and Cum Hau and all their Chicchan*
Pullin' all our chains!
Sirens wailing, carnage hailing,
All is destruction and blight.
So hunker down and say your prayers,
'Cause Apocalypse comes tonight.

Here comes Apocalypse,
Here comes Apocalypse,
Right down End of World Lane,
It's got a bang that's full of noise 
That will liquify your brain.
Hear those alarm bells banging clanging,
Oh what a dreadful sight,
So jump in bed, and cover your head,
'Cause Apocalypse comes tonight.
Parts 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.
Seriously though, I'm glad all my readers and other hangers on are still on the planet.
Happy Holidays to everyone!

* Mayan gods and shizz

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Tasks for the day before the world ends.

*  Remembered to pack up the laptop battery I recently bought and will be returning because it's just a crappy battery.  The UPS man will be here shortly.  I want my money back.

*  One of my damned cats clawed a hole in my pretty new cornflower blue sheets.  We've barely broken in those sheets.  Going to patch that up before I throw them in the wash.  Then we'll break in the patch job.

*  Went ahead and set up paperless billing with the new cell phones.  I don't need several physical pages telling me how often my husband's friend sent him his filthy "Draw Something" masterpieces.

*  Quick shower, because I can't miss the arrival of the UPS man, in which I did not exfoliate.

*  Might as well do some dusting.  The world can end and my television screen will be pristine.

*  Took some fiber.  But I took it at the wrong time of day.  Now I have to wait to take my vitamin lest it asks Metamucil for a ride outta here.

*  Picked up my son after school and took him to the local five and dime to buy a pair of pajamas.  I don't why they insist on pajama days at school.  He usually just sleeps in his underwear and one does not show up to school so under dressed.

*  Watched this (turn it up real loud for the best effect):

*  Counted down the days to Downton Abbey on PBS.  Seventeen days.  Hugh Bonneville makes me warm.

*    Completely forgot that I was going to go see "The Hobbit".  It started seven minutes ago and in my town we're blessed to have only one preview.  One.  That's it.  I've missed the whole beginning of the movie and the freshest layer of popcorn.

*  Gave in to a craving for Chef Boyardee ravioli. 

*  Gave into a craving for a dozen butter cookies.

*  Gonna give in to a craving for my husband later.

So, bring it on Mayans.  I'm prepared.

At the very least I'm regular.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Rethunkit Possible

For Christmas my husband and I treated each other to new cell phones, which we already have received and have activated immediately.  We got each other the same cell phone, not because they were a good deal, but because Snookums and I like to match.  Nothing says love like doing everything together, wearing the same clothing, and sporting the exact same French manicure.

It makes for an interesting sex life.  Let's talk later.

I'm enjoying my new phone.  It does things my old phone was too constipated to do.  For instance, I'm speaking this post right into my phone.  It's fabulous!  I yak, it writes.  My phone is interpreting my Utah accent right proper too.  Chester draws.  I was barn in a born where we melk cows. 

For some reason this particular upgrade in phone technology makes me giddy.  It's an Android so it's not like I'm asking Siri what Marsellus Wallace looks like, but I like asking it questions.  Phone does what I ask.  It listens. It commiserates.

Since it has a vibrate mode, all this open communication isn't a bad deal at all.  Maybe I can give it a French manicure too.

The downside is I had to cancel my old service with AT&T and I felt guilty.  The customer service lady was so nice!  It was like I broke her heart!  Don't leave me, big eyeballs, we have signal boost extenders!

Sadly, I'd already ported the numbers.  What can you do besides shed a tear and walk away?

The best thing about writing this post in voice is that you can imagine me all husky and sultry.

Or you can imagine me talking like Morgan Freeman.

Easy Reader was so cool.

Monday, December 17, 2012

If by grace.

I have several thoughts about the recent horror in Newtown Connecticut, all of them incomplete and muddled.  In some part blame for that can be placed squarely on my fickle hormone levels...that is, I also have incomplete and muddled thoughts about what to have for lunch everyday.  However, another part is the incomplete and muddled thoughts most everyone is having after following the story...thoughts that can't ever make sense because it is all so senseless.

Our nation has cried out in this same incomplete and muddled way.

Gun control.  Mental health care.  Effective parenting.  Parenting guilt and isolation.  Spanking.  God in schools.  God's presence anywhere.  The Media.   Living in a sinful angry society...a lazy society...a depressed society.

I want to touch on all of this but I get lost in all the tenets of it. 

My husband, who has taught high school for the last fifteen years, had this to say:

I have seen too many of these days as a teacher. Don't talk to me about taking away all of the guns and don't talk to me about arming teachers or talking about how we just need to enforce existing gun laws. Any realistic answer is going to take a lot of work from all of us, which means compromise. For those of you who have forgotten, compromise is characterized by nobody getting everything he or she wants and being required to give up some of the things he or she believes necessary. 

And that's just's time to get down from the pedestals of our egos and our agendas and really look at what we are contributing to the spirit, compassion and kindness of the world.  What we've been before is reflecting back on us, so we close our eyes, and look at what it takes to open them.

I'm guilty of it too.  I try though.  Sometimes I forget but I try.  I could do so much better.

My own children had lockdown and emergency school drills a week before.  I had to explain to my seven year old why such a thing was necessary when he asked.  My kids get it now.

I've not shielded them necessarily.  Yet, they are still innocent.  It's because in that innocence they see.

Please God, grant them the continued gift of sight.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Rendered commonly unintelligent

Don't look now, but I'm about to get kinda naked.

I'm in the middle of reading yet another volume of very bad Jane Austen fanfiction on my Kindle.  Finishing this one requires a hot bath and a couple walls separating me from the noise of my children playing Doom 3.

On the upside, Jane Austen fanfiction for the Kindle is very cheap or even free.

On the downside, you have to ask yourself while reading this stuff, how many coquettish references can you make about the sex life of the newly married Darcy's without it becoming too cat lady crazy?  The Darcy's renewed their vows.  The Darcy's didn't emerge from their chambers until past midmorning.  The Darcy's practiced with hopes of filling Pemberly with a family of their own.  The Darcy's amiably set off for a connubial adventure in Freakyton in their barouche.

I'm embarrassed I read this stuff.  Not that I can't admit this embarrassment to every one of my readers and other hanger's on.  It's the fact that I'm going to have to admit this stuff to my mother.

I got her a Kindle for Christmas.


Purposely I associated her Kindle with my Amazon account so we can easily share books. You can use six Kindle devices per account and so everything I've already paid for she can read for herself.  Everything is listed in an archived file on her e-reader.

So she can see all my breathless regency readings.

And every marriage related book I read in my effort to be a better marriage forum moderator, all the way from sexual dysfunction to passive aggressive behavior.

And that book Naomi Wolf wrote about her cultural Vagina.

And then a bit of filth entitled, "Wesley Crusher Teenaged F*** Machine".

Okay, I'm definitely deleting that one.

No one should know I read that.  Or it's sequel.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12 12 12 12 12 12 whatever.

I set this post to publish at 12:12 on 12/12/12.

Go answer my poll on my Facbook page.

And then watch this (probably NSFW, use some headphones):


Friday, December 07, 2012


Before I gave an account of last Tuesday's jury duty, I wanted to find out how the trial ended.  This one was a biggy and it was some act of divinity that out of a jury pool of 100 people, 70 of us had our names pulled out of the bingo roller and none of those names was mine.

More importantly, the star witnessed helped me break into my own car.

I arrived in Elko after my 120 mile drive an hour early.  This is important.  That time was used to snag one of the rare parking spots near the courthouse entrance.  The Elko County Courthouse is just fine with you parking three blocks away for your jury duty as long as you don't park next door in the bank parking lot.  The Bank of America will tow your vehicle.  And they should, because the ensuing tow tantrum is entertaining for all the legal parkers when they've paid attention to all the printed signs and the verbal warnings.  I've had enough experience with the Justice System to know that the early bird gets to avoid parking in front of the NoTell Motel just down the street.

So I finish up my sausage egg McMuffin and my juice, make eye contact with what turns out to be the defense attorney as he pulls in besides me, and then promptly lock my keys in my van because I have business to conduct in the courthouse restrooms.

I figured if there was any place my fabulous mini-van was safe it was probably there, and if it wasn't I could complain directly to the judge about it.  She was probably way over the bank towing chuckles anyhow.

From there the process is the same as all the other times I've had to show up.  Co-jurors looking at each other, rolling their eyes, crossing their fingers, listlessly drinking coffee.  Men flashing much too much underwear as they take off their belts to pass through the metal detectors. The bailiff ruffling through my purse and pausing over my menstrual cup in it's purple wrapper.  The moans after sinking down into 100 year old wooden chairs which are no stranger to 100 year old bouts with piles.

However, everyone perked up once the charges were read in full.   Dots were connected with what they'd read in the papers.  Co-jurors decided right then if they really wanted to stay or really really really wanted to go.  Six counts of lewd behavior with a child under the age of 14 and the defendant out on a $250,000 bond.  This is what was read by the court clerk six times in quick succession (along with some descriptions of what particular sexual assaults are unlawful, which I'll just leave out):

A person who willfully and lewdly commits any lewd or lascivious act, other than acts constituting the crime of sexual assault, upon or with the body, or any part or member thereof, of a child under the age of 14 years, with the intent of arousing, appealing to, or gratifying the lust or passions or sexual desires of that person or of that child, is guilty of lewdness with a child.

This ain't no meth trial.  This isn't DUI.  It's not even the dork I was presented with last time who couldn't help but go around his town repeatedly committing domestic violence whilst very drunk. This was a defendant with some serious charges against him, charges that could have him in prison for the rest of his life, who was not only very active in helping to pick his jurors but was making eye contact with the judge, the jurors, and the prosecution.

It was fascinating to watch. 

When we were excused for a fifteen minute potty break, I asked the bailiff to help me out with the keys situation and he gave the good word to a uniformed highway patrolman who was waiting to testify.  Seems everyone in that courtroom knew him except for me, and since he gladly broke into my van in the matter of seconds, I professed sudden and undying love for him.  He called me "kiddo" though I'm sure we were the same age.  Yup.  I love him.

By early afternoon the final twelve had been chosen, along with two alternates, and the rest of us got to go on with our lives.  My life at that point consisted of buying myself a burrito and thanking my lucky stars I didn't have to hear that trial, including testimony from a child.

The outcome?  The man was acquitted.  It's quite a story.  You can read the article HERE.

Then I felt pretty awesome about acquiring enough points on my jury service record to remove my name from the jury pool.  That was short lived.  My points expire in February.

Elko might be pretty in March, dammit.

Monday, December 03, 2012

Union Jack Yawn

If Kate Middleton is willing, and I think she just might be considering she'd probably been tossing her cookies three times an hour, I'm proposing to make a trade with her.

Woman to woman...mother to mother.

Kate, I say you attend my jury duty tomorrow and I'll go ahead and take on your morning sickness for a month.

It's a fair trade. It's an excellent trade! Win, win and win!

She gets to experience Elko County justice and perhaps enjoy the only sushi restaurant for several hundred miles in all directions. Mmm that fish is fresh?

I'll get to get out of jury duty and maybe look at Prince William's tushie a little bit, though I wouldn't touch him. If that got back to Kate and my defenses were still hanging over a toilet, she could hurt me bad.

So, deal Kate?  Just keep your eyes closed and nod your head a little bit if you agree.

Now, I've tried to end this post by finding a graphic where Kate has a nauseated look on her face and after an hour I was unable. That woman is amazingly photogenic. She'd probably even look beautiful hurling. Have a photo of Princess Beatrice instead.

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