Thursday, January 03, 2013

Come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant!

The best part of gift giving, at least for the likes of me, is to see the reaction of the recipient.  Some gifts inspire gratitude, some surprise, some a fit of giggles and others a look of confused wonderment mixed with terror.

My mother's big eyed response to my giving her a Kindle loaded with lots of books for Christmas?

"Does this have 'Fifty Shades of Grey' on it?"

I had to disappoint her.  I've never read it much less purchased it.  How do I give such filth a place next to my terrible Jane Austen fanfiction?  I read an excerpt once though.  It was bad.  I was not turned on.  Instead I felt queasy.

You could read an excerpt too or you could watch this.  Use your headphones in case you're at work or you have impressionable children about.

Ahh...that tingled.

Lucky for Mom, my oldest sister was given a copy of Fifty in her stocking.  They live next door to each other.  After my sister reads it, my Mom can have her turn and they can engage in all the bonding that is appropriate for a middle aged woman and one that has aged into a discount at Sizzler.

And here I was worried that my Mom might object to the raunchy story I have since deleted off our shared files!  It seems I've been thinking about this all the wrong way.  Maybe what I need to do is send my Mom's Kindle the worst erotica ever e-printed! 

Imagine the look of delight when she suddenly discovers these gems:

Fornicating Frida:  Frida is fat, grey, and well over forty and with an outmoded taste in underwear, but this wasn't going to stop Freda from enjoying the wild carnal pleasures...and paintshop.

Lap DanceCat’s last task in the Extreme Challenge is to give a lap dance to a stranger. Simple—until she landed on Grant Evanston’s lap. Now she’s a pulsating wreck each time she rubs against him.  Yakkity yakkity...surprise, he's a gargoyle!

Shapeshifter's CravingKate, shapeshifter and royal princess, has fallen in love with her bodyguard, Aidan, a man with the perfect body built to defend and love her at any cost.  How...malleable.  If he lays on her arm wrong, you don't have to completely rearrange yourselves.  No interrupting the rhythm.

Her Very Special RobotTrace, a movie stuntman, will do anything—anything at all—for his best friend’s widow. He sets out to give Allie what she asked for, a vacation at the House of a Thousand Pleasures, complete with a very lifelike robot who is going to make her wildest sexual dreams come true.  It's Rosie from The Jetson's, isn't it!  I smell lemon dusting spray already.

Touch of an IncubusFrom the moment they met, Claire wanted Leon. The tall, dark incubus has more than his share of sex appeal. The thing is, Claire isn’t looking for the best night of her life; she’s looking for a relationship.  Communication is the key, even for incubi.  It's OK to talk about our feelings.  Don't bottle it in.

Spanked by the VetInstead of thanking her long-time crush Cayce Gerard after he rescues her from a truly disastrous date, Ashley Phillips wants to read him the riot act. When the gentle veterinarian uncharacteristically turns her over his knee and starts spanking her spoiled butt, Ashley's protests turn to moans and her secret is finally out.  She's a hoarder?  She's got herpes?  Her father is Darth Vader?  What is it!

I'm even thinking of giving my Mom the ultimate handmade gift in writing my own naughty story.  It starts with a woman living alone with her twelve cats and a dead end career as a bouncer in a strip bar meeting a meek and bald accountant type stiffing dancers for dollars, and then discovering latex and dryer lint together.  I'll call it, "Sophie and the Maytag Man".

My Mom gets it for free.  The rest of you will have to pay 99 cents to share her delight.

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