Monday, March 18, 2013

A letter to my son in Navy boot camp from our Antelope Ground Squirrels

Last spring we were all delighted to find these rodents running around our backyard eating all my petunias and decimating my pea plants.  Since then, they've been adopted into our family and named.  Any moment now our squirrels, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler, Penny Penny Penny and Raj will become parents.  I know this because I Googled Antelope Ground Squirrel reproduction and reference photos tell me that girl squirrels display incredibly swollen and deformed labia when they are pregnant.

If you don't know what labia are, I suggest you look that up directly on Wikipedia and forego the general Googling.  Trust me.  You'll need a can of Lysol.

Anyhow, I plan on naming the new squirrels "The Wesley Crushers".  This letter is from their parents.

Dear Seaman Recruit Kaelan,

We'd like to formally announce the upcoming birth of our offspring.  Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny Penny Penny are expecting and fathers, Sheldon Cooper and Raj, couldn't be prouder or feel more studly.  Not that we could determine the paternity of any of them.  Squirrel social mores are most liberal...boom chicka bow bow...wink wink nudge nudge knowhatImean?

Yet, it is spring and when the buds burst forth a young squirrel's fancy turns to love!  There is nothing that makes a squirrel as wistful as welcoming new blind and hairless pups into the burrow.  It's the circle of life or a whole new world or a dream being a wish our hearts made.  We don't care what Disney movies tell you...we are never going to be anyone's animal sidekick.

We will be holding a shower next week.  It makes us squirrels most disappointed that you are unable to attend but we know we're in your thoughts.  Your parents have been most generous in catering the event. 

Your parents cats are NOT invited. 

For your convenience, we are registered at Squirrels R Us, Squirrelmart, Squirrel Depot and the Mr. Peanut factory.  We prefer to keep any clothing or toys gender neutral as we don't want to impose any stereotypes or constraining gender roles onto the pups.  We feel this is best because then they will be free to explore their world in their own creative ways.  Afterall, there isn't just one way to dig a burrow and everyone in the burrow is expected to pull their weight.

Especially Sheldon Cooper.  What a little lard. 

Shuddup Penny. 

No, you shuddup Amy.  You're just hormonal. 

You can both be quiet.  This upsets the whole commune.  Find yourselves a burrow corner and calm down.

Yeah guys, Sheldon makes a good point.  Our pups will be born cranky.  It's spring!  Fancy!  Love!

Shuddup Raj.

With our regards,
Sheldon Cooper
Amy Farrah Fowler
Penny Penny Penny

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