The end of the school year is fast approaching my family and this year, unlike many other years, I'm actually ready for it.
In the past, my joy at being able to stay up all night and attempt to sleep in every morning was overshadowed by children who also eventually woke up. Children who were constantly hungry, bored, gassy, dirty, hyper, and hypnotized by the pied piper effect of the ice cream truck. By August, the facial tics I'd developed in mid-June had grown into people commenting on how much I resembled that wretched actress from Throw Momma from the Train.
If I had bothered in years previous to buy a summer pass to our local community swimming pool, this woman's head would have been coming out of the locker room on my painfully white body in a bright turquoise halter top one piece. Savor that thought for a moment. MILF-y, ain't it?
This summer...well this summer my children are older...one's not even home anymore...and I bought myself an Olympic style racing suit that I can actually swim in.
This suit does not give me a wedgie, nor do I have to suffer any razor burn. Housewife win! Still a MILF fail but housewife win!
The relaxation I will enjoy for the next three months is going to be filled with answers to my children's needs. Hungry? Make yourself a bowl of cereal. Gassy? Go outside and quit drinking so much juice. Dirty? You know where the shower is, use it every single day and then clean it or clean it and then use it, your choice. Hyper? Again, go outside and quit drinking so much juice. Ice cream truck? I have chores, many chores, in which you, yes you, can earn yourselves compensation to spend at mobile food vendors!
...and no one in my house wants to watch the visual vomit of Nick Jr. anymore, thank God and all the angels.
Then there is the matter of the summer family vacation. We haven't decided where to go or what to do yet, but it doesn't matter because my children are old enough to not need diapers or a handy supply of wet naps. We might get a little real vomit on a road trip but it won't be because of a rear facing carseat.
So, summer is welcome. Bring the heat and the 50 spf sunscreen. I'm going to do my thing and remember to buy family swimming pass.
Because this summer I do not have to leave the lap pool to take a little boy into the female dressing room to take a mid swim poop.
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