Monday, June 03, 2013

The Agony of Degrease

We don't often watch sports in my house, so I'm no expert, but doesn't it seem that sports reporters perform the exact same interview no matter which athlete they're interviewing?

All the same questions have the same answers too.  The only difference is how far out of the locker room the athlete is.  I prefer the interviews where the athlete is breathless and sweaty with exertion, or nausea, or defeat.

As a woman who has long mastered the sport of housewifery, I long for the chance to be interviewed just like Kobe Bryant or Tim Tebow.  Someday someone with a microphone will pull me wet out of my shower, a sponge in one hand and a can of cleanser in the other, and ask me about my performance.

My answers will be deep and moving.

Q: What do you think are the chances you'll put the hurt on that grout today?

A:  Well, that grout is tough, real tough, but I know I've got the skills and the desire to win against it.  All it takes is hunkering down and getting the job done.

Q:  Why do you think you missed that spot on the mirror? 

A:  I guess I just wasn't feeling it.  You'd wipe and when you've got one streak down, another one appears.  I've been fighting hard and I guess, sniff, today wasn't my best day.  But, ya know, the lord is with me and I'll come back from it.

Q:  Do you think you're ready to get up in the attic and clean it out for your yard sale?

A:  I've been training for that attic for a long time, putting boxes up there, taking them down, putting them up.  The real training is up here though, in my brain.  You gotta visualize it.  Visualize getting the boxes down, setting up your tables, pitching the sale, getting the payoff.  I'm pumped!  Woo!

Q:  What made the difference today in getting that toilet bowl so sparkling?

A:  Yeah, you gotta get away from your bad habits.  Try something new.  You gotta want it more.  I had a coupon for that new fume free cleaner with bleach.

Q:  You're hosting the big yearly dinner party.  How do you prepare?

A:  It pays to have a strategy.  Finger foods, main course, drinks.  Get all the work done before they get there.  Don't let them see you sweat.  Take it in stride and have fun.

Q:  How are you going to get your housework done when you've been sidelined with an illness this season?

A:  Just gotta rest and heal up.  Then we'll get back to it.  Takes work and patience.  Spit.

Q:  How do you handle the kids?

A:  Move fast.  Plenty of interceptions and good blocking.

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