Friday, June 07, 2013

The kinds of lessons that stick with a kid for life...

Today is the last day of school.

This is a day full of warm promise for my children.  When I was a kid I knew I could expect hours of summer fun on the farm.  These hours were mostly comprised of horse manure.  You scooped it up daily, you left it in a pile, the pile dried, and then you and your little sister sat on top of it and played king of the hill for hours.

This, my readers and other hangers on, is why I have a work ethic and values.  Spend long enough in poop and something is bound to grow out of it.

My kids don't have ready access to a farm or large pile of poop, so I have to come up with alternative methods to teach them work ethics and values.  Or at least keep them somewhat entertained and out of each other's hair.

So, I've bought several rolls of duct tape.

The thought was that I could have done some sort of crafty housewife type shit with all this duct tape but it occurred to me while my kid was watching me type over my shoulder, that designer duct tape would serve as a creative and novel disciplinary tool in the next three months.

When we tape the kid to the wall for misbehavior, each design will point to a specific offense or lesson.  This will save me the lecturing and my voice.

 Stop running around the house and play outside.  Stop shouting in the house and shout outside.  Stop going out of the house and coming into the house and going out of the house and coming into the house. 
Should have stopped complaining about being bored and then whining and pouting through the chores I gave you to do because you were complaining about being bored. 
Stop fighting over the Playstation.  Stop fighting over the Wii.  Stop fighting over the computer.  Stop fighting over the Nintendo DS.  Stop fighting over the TV.  Stop fighting over the transistor radio.
Should have taken a bath when I told you to.  Should have brushed your teeth and put on deodorant and put your clothes in the hamper.  For the love of the Lord, put on underwear!
Quit asking for chips, soda, snacks, juice, candy, snowcones, popsicles, ice cream, fast food, cookies, and Kraft mac n cheese.  Eat a vegetable.
Quit calling your brother names, especially the following:  Poophead, Buttsniffer, Douchecanoe, Fartknocker, Dickcheese, or Rand Paul or any other PG13 or above rated expletive.
This is for my 14 year old son:  Quit staring at boobs.  Do that in your room. 
 Stop using up all the hot water. 
Pink Polka Dot
This is for my 8 year old:  Pee IN THE TOILET.  As in, lift up the lid, lift up the seat, aim, and hit the water.  If you dribble anywhere, wipe it up!
Skull and Crossbones
Don't bite.  Don't spit.  Don't kick.  Don't sucker punch.   Don't hit each other with sticks, bats, pillows, the cats, rocks, books, kitchen implements, toy swords/light sabers/guns.  No snapping wet towels at one another. No hair pulling.  No pinching, rug burns, noogies, wet willies, purple nurples or wedgies.  No threatening one another with knives, scissors, screwdrivers, pins, pens, razor blades or paper cuts and lemon juice.  No bloodletting of any sort.

Hopefully that covers the summer, cross fingers.  There are other design options if it doesn't...or I could just have a cubic ton of horse apples delivered and let them have at it.

It'll be good for their immune systems if it comes to that.

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