Monday, June 24, 2013

Uric Acid Trip


I've passed more than a few kidney stones in my time.  Last week I peed in a cup at the doctor's office and on Saturday I passed the little bugger. Or rather, a couple little buggers.  There very well might be more little buggers but as of today I feel much better.

The new clinic doctor has lovely hair and a very nice manicure.  She gave me an antibiotic that doesn't make me feel like I'm on fire.  She did not lecture me about the causes of urinary tract infection or kidney stones.  Instead she has advised me to consult a urologist.

That's not a half bad idea.  The new doctor didn't have to attend twelve years of rigorous schooling to come up with that one.  When you have a history of rocks stuck in your peepee parts, it's a good idea to see a doctor that specializes in peepee parts and maybe minored in a little bit of geology.

Until then, I'm going to impart all the wisdom I've gained from my kidney stones.  One caveat...keep in mind that I'm of the female persuasion and when you're a girl, passing kidney stones isn't quite the same feat compared to when a boy has to do it.  Female anatomy is such that kidney stones have a slightly easier time passing on through.  Men have a longer distance to travel when it comes to the urinary highway to hell.  Their road is narrower.  Mother Nature packed a bunch of really sensitive nerves right at the destination point.  So, first point of wisdom.  If you have to pass kidney stones, be a girl.  It's still a hassle but at least you don't have a penis.

Drink enough water.  By water I do not mean soda.  I mean water.  I'm told that soda only makes kidney stones worse though I don't understand the chemistry behind that. Something to do with some big business conspiracy behind 1000% times profit for sugar water, carbonation bubbles and acid enough to clean a toilet if you dumped a can into the bowl.  It's not often I have soda anymore anyhow because if I drink more than six ounces I bloat up like a Macey's Thanksgiving Parade balloon. This causes the same side effect as my antibiotic which is not at all pleasant for my handlers.

Limit your salt intake.  The kind of stones I get are caused by salt leaching calcium out of my system and then solidifying into a smooth stone in my urinary tract.  I love salt so not salting my food makes me sad.  The Tony's pizza I had for lunch was guilt wracking.  Many apologies to my kidneys for that one.  Extra glass of water for you.

If you aren't sitting on a strainer when you pee, I highly recommend you fill the tub with lovely warm water so you can sit there for a long while with drinking water and a book.  Don't be squeamish. The warm water will dilate your peepee parts and you just let loose when you need to.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Enjoy the nausea.  Make believe you just had a night out, where you were the life of the party, where people surrounded you because you were the charming popular one telling witty jokes.  It makes it all go by much more quickly.  Or take your enjoyment from getting out of responsibilities because your back hurts, your front hurts and you feel like you're going to puke.  No one expects you to mow the lawn while you're trying to pass a kidney stone, ya know?

Keep the stone if it's large enough and make jewelry out of it.  My largest stone was the size and shape of a popcorn kernel and it dried ever so sparkly!  Someday I'm going to make a pendant out of it and pass it down to my first grandchild because I worked damned hard to create a thing that lovely.  Thanks Grandma, I love you!

If any of this wisdom helped my fellow kidney stone sufferers, even if it was just to laugh about it, then good.  None of this is probably new to you and the commiseration is enough.  We are stone siblings and we must stand strong only stopping short of marching in parades because that would be silly.

If you have never passed a kidney stone, you now know that it's okay to pee in the bathtub.

Even if you don't have a stone.

I won't tell.

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