Wednesday, July 03, 2013

God Save the Episiotomy

This isn't usually like me, but for some backwards reason, I'm excited that the Duchess of Cambridge Mrs. Prince of Wales Kate Middleton is due to give birth next week.

I'm excited and at the same time, I don't care.

Let's expound upon this little bit of cognitive if you could stop me.  This is my blog and though I'm bound by terms of service, they still allow me to type as many words I possibly can in their rich text editor, whether you want to read them or not.  You should really just be grateful that I'm not expounding upon the birth of little North West because this post might have gone an entirely different and disturbing direction.

Cankles and pooping during delivery...anyhow...

I'm excited about this birth in that I think that as far as royals and celebrities go, William and Kate are good people.  Good people giving birth and raising more good people is good for the world.  That's a lot of pressure on any infant but I think they'll be able to handle it that and exceed it.

I don't care in that I really don't care how this birth happens.

Many do.  They ask:

Will Kate Middleton have a natural delivery...a natural delivery in a bathtub...a natural delivery with William with her in the bathtub?  Will she breastfeed, cloth diaper, immunize, circumcise, pasteurize or accessorize?  Will she co-sleep, baby-wear, sleep-train, and allow that baby a pacifier?

On top of this rude invasion of personal space, the answers are expected to bolster and legitimize their personal parenting crusades.  Kate will cloth diaper and therefore cloth diapering better than not.  Kate will breastfeed therefore breastfeeding is even better than it was before.  Kate uses any number of baby products available from the billion dollar baby industry therefore these baby products are essential to the health and well being of babies everywhere!  Ka-ching! doesn't matter and it's not my business.  If Kate Middleton gives birth squatting in front of the editors of Parenting magazine, how far down she squats won't in the least bit matter because it will have the exact same result as if they gave her plenty of anesthesia and pulled the baby out with suction from an industrial shop-vac.

Baby will be born.

Baby will get fed.

Baby will be cuddled.

Baby will be loved.

That's the standard folks.  Whether you give birth in a hospital surrounded by machines that go "bing!" or in Himalayan rainforests at the very break of dawn, hopefully you end a pregnancy with a healthy baby that will have food in it's tummy and a warm clean place to sleep.

So, congratulations to William and Kate.  Enjoy that baby.

Hell, congrats to Kim and Kanye too. 

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