Friday, July 12, 2013

Wading in the Warm Waters of Love

I have a new man in my life.

He's tall.  He's educated.  He's pleasant.  He's ripe for a mid-life crisis.

He's my urologist and I'm fixing to have a long fruitful relationship with him.  Especially since after parking in the wrong parking garage on the advice of my Garmin, exploring two floors in the wrong building per the instructions of the parking lot attendant, moving to a different parking area with free valet parking, and then exploring two more floors in the right building, I finally found his office.

In the past month and a half I've swallowed three courses of antibiotics, peed in many cups and passed at least one kidney stone.  My nether regions are a swollen fiery mass of unhappy.  The last course of antibiotics has caused me to suffer with achy joints and rock hard sore boobies.  Then there was the fun of pushing all the liquids.  Everywhere I went I was scoping out the bathrooms and the drinking fountains, keeping myself hydrated and my bladder distended.  I've peed on the side of the road twice for lack of a toilet.  If you saw my naked bum while my family was travelling in Utah, you've seen the truth of everything I've already testified to in this post so far.  Perhaps I should publish a free informative pamphlet about it.

My urologist has given me new pills that are supposed to "restore the flora" and a comprehensive education on how to pee better.  He started on the assumption that I did actually know the difference between my urethra and my vagina and at that I was completely smitten with him. 

Visiting the doctor after passing a stone and being told that I couldn't possibly know if the blood in my urine didn't come from elsewhere is not sexy at all. 

The very best part of visiting the urologist?  The patient chatter in the waiting room.  God love the folks who drove in all the way from Evanston to wait in support of their incontinent family member.  They told stirrups jokes and proctologist jokes and speculum jokes and donut shaped blow up butt cushion jokes.  Most of the kidney stone afflicted men in the chairs were understandably grumpy but I was near tears with laughter.  When I was finally called back into the office they told me to "knock one out of the park!" and when I was done, they all gave me the thumbs up. 

Bladder support is important.


  1. It does sound like you have been having fun this summer- NOT. You have reminded me that my urologist said last August that I should check back in a year and, what with making appointments having to be so far out into the future, I'd better make that call. I don't mind him, he is a fine urologist. But this year we had to change medical insurance providers and now I have to get a referral or pay the whole bill myself. It used to be a lot simpler.

    1. I wonder if the ACA will change all that when it comes into full effect. I did call my insurance before making my appointment so they'd better cover stuff.


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