Monday, September 23, 2013

I invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.


Look at that bastard.

You might as well call this a birth control pill instead of an antibiotic because there was no chance I could have conceived any babies in the state I was in.

Yes,  I've had a tubal ligation.  That's not the point.  The point is I've never reacted to an antibiotic like I did this one.  If you're the kind of freak that finds my side effects sexy, I don't know what to say.  Shouldn't have eaten all those paint chips when you were a kid?  Whippets weren't as fun at parties as you thought at first? 

Tuesday I went to the doctor, she felt up my glands, I paid for pills and began taking them.

By Friday night I'd slept for 60 hours straight with a low grade migraine, waking up only long enough to puke.  The pharmacist told me to take this pill on an empty stomach.  No problem.  Even the thought of water made my stomach lurch.

I went four days without washing my hair.  Or brushing my teeth.  I left a grease ring on my pillowcase and my sheets had that moldy penicillin smell. 

Friday night I quit taking that pill.

Saturday I slept much of the day.  Ate some white bread.

Sunday I got up, bathed, brushed my teeth, did fifteen minutes of housework, and then fell back asleep.

Today I got my kids off to school, looked at my neglected house some, took a bath, and opened all the windows.  I'm wrung out.  Still sleepy.  But much better.

How's the ear?  That's doing nicely, thanks.  It's stopped oozing and it's not swollen anymore.  Cross fingers.

Tomorrow...the long awaited and last installment of how to discuss sex with your kids.

Because it's not a good idea to keep them asleep and nauseated for the rest of their lives.

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