Monday, December 30, 2013

Gotta Catch'em All

If you hadn't seen your grown son for near a year, and then he suddenly got leave from the Navy to fly in for almost two weeks, would you post on your blog?

Fine, YOU would.  I didn't.  But now I am and I'm pleased to announce that the Navy Manchild has grown a mustache.

He tells us that his mustache outranks other Navy mustaches and that less full mustaches have to defer to his.  It's as good of a reason as any to be grateful for the hairy genetics I've passed down to him.  The good thing is that the Navy won't allow him to grow that mustache down his neck and around his nipples.

Instead of blog posts, we put up a Christmas tree before Christmas Eve.  I tied a quilt.  We ate food.  We baked.  We figured out which cat pooped in my son's luggage.  In general, we stayed home and allowed the family togetherness to unfold.

One of these Christmas cookies is not like the others...
Then it was off into Utah County, where we find the Absent Minded annual tradition of quotes from my extended family's togetherness.  When it unfolds, it's best to keep some Wetnaps handy.
"You guys are perverts!"
- My Jill, my little sister, who asked my parents if they had christened their newly re-upholstered loveseat and my Mom only giggled. in response.

"What did you get me Brian? My undying's what I got you!"
- Justin, my husband, fishing for gifts from Jill's husband.

"I'll be refigifting that..."
- Brian's response. Might as well regift such a cheesy present.  Justin obviously regifted it from me.  I'm wondering where my undying devotion will finally end up.

"Now we can send Mom zit popping videos!"
- Becky, The Absent Minded Housewife, delighted that my Dad got my mom her very first computer for Christmas. Then we all got on our phones to search YouTube.

"Wait, I will I need to block my Mom on Facebook?"
- Me again, realizing exactly what my Mom getting an internet connection means. It means she's the one that's going to post zit popping videos.

"It's like sticking your hand down your pants, ain't it?"
- Seth, my heavily bearded nephew, who allowed me to run my hands through his facial hair.  He's Duck Dynastied his facial hair down his neck and around his nipples.

If  you recall, last year I asked to sniff his beard...


"It's the smell that makes it interesting."
- Jackson, my sister's 8 year old son, who did indeed remember who asked to smell whose beards.

" don't know how to get in the lake...they traded that?...NFE...Togepi..."
- Kaelan, the Navy Manchild and my nephew Taylor's boyfriend, Jayden, hovering over a Nintendo 3DS for at least an hour, discussing Pokémon in the same tones as you'd discuss Tea Party politics.
"You get one whether you want one or not!"
My husband's Aunt Dianne, informing her mother, my mother in law, that there will be an open house to celebrate her 90th birthday next month.

Well, my readers and other hangers on, that's all I remember.  I hope you've all had blessed holidays and I hope that 2014 kicks ass instead of kicking our asses.

Monday, December 09, 2013

Kevans mom has got it going on...

Last week, my Navy Manchild let me know that he'd sent the link to this blog to some of his friends.

Oooh boy!  New demographics!

Hello youngsters.  Welcome!  I'm glad you've taken a moment away from gaming and the Myspaces and the Twitters and the Pr0n to show up here. 

(I remember when you had to sneak that stuff out of a mildewing box in the basement of a friend of a friend's house.  When you were grossed out, or someone yelled down the stairs at you,  you were careful to put it back just exactly how you found it.) kid...I grew him with my body and stuff.  He is the cause of most of my stretch marks.  He's the lucky firstborn that had his birth video taped for posterity.  Do those cheapo VHS transfer thingies work?  I'm considering digitizing that particular home movie to keep the memory alive and maybe post it for a source of YouTube income.  Right now the tape is up in the attic generating no money at all and that's just a shame.

There is also a VHS copy of Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies in that box.  Better not find any of you sneaking into my attic with a VCR.  That's a disgusting habit.

At this point in the post you might have expected that I would be telling a few embarrassing stories about my son's growing up years.  As much as I'm tempted, I'm not going to.  He can tell his own embarrassing stories.  Extra points if he can tell them in 140 characters or less #underpants #feminine hygiene products aren't bandaids #swearing in front of grandma.

Instead, have one of mine. 

It's G rated!


Read it anyway.

Then you can go back to playing Farmville, or whatever it is you do on the internets.

Monday, December 02, 2013

Mid-evening Minutia XVII

Loading up on the probiotics are a necessary consequence of eating too many white rolls, too much sausage stuffing, too much macaroni and cheese, too much gravy, too much Velveeta covered broccoli and too much pecan pie.

Thanksgiving shoppers suck.  Black Friday shoppers suck a little bit less, but only a little bit.  Shopping in hardware stores on the Sunday after Thanksgiving in Utah is a blessed event.  There was a bathroom vanity and a can of primer with my name on them. 

Gorging on whole TV series on Netflix is the right thing to do unless you're gorging on Ghost Whisperer.  I feel horrible but I cannot stop!

The Walking Dead mid-season finale wasn't right.  It wasn't right at all. 

I've adopted another cat.  He's a ten year old sweetie who I think I'll call Baxter, unless I can think of something that fits his big cute face that's a little more crude. 

My current cats are sulking.  Even to the point that one cat wouldn't come out from under the bed for kitty treats when his whole life up to that point has been all about the kitty treats.

My Navy Manchild spent his first Thanksgiving away from home as a guest of a Navy family in Virginia.  He tried new food.  This is monumental!

Sitting next to the ultimate Hunger Games fan during her 16th viewing of Catching Fire doesn't make the plot of the movie any more dynamic.  She found all the book references hilarious and mouthed the dialog.  I'm allowed to make fun of this lady...I have three cats.

Increasing my intake of vegetables over the last two months has resulted in the loss of twelve pounds and my boobs.

James Franco and Seth Rogen are now on my celebrity crush list but only as a pair.  Separately they don't do much for me.

This year I'm hoping to get up my Christmas tree before December 22nd.  And down before Valentine's Day.  It's setting the bar high but I can jump.

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