Monday, January 27, 2014

I need help from the government and I need it bad.

Dear Mike Huckabee,

I think I love you.

Or maybe it's lust.  I lust you. 

Yeah, it's definitely lust.  I don't have a warm fuzzy feeling deep in my heart like all the other times I've been in love.  I have a hot zippy feeling in my special purpose.  It's not a rash.  I checked.

I can't help it, Mike.  I've had a tubal ligation, and no longer require prescribed contraceptive medications, so I'm free to unleash my libido on any unsuspecting male that my husband approves of.

My husband suspects, or he's been susceptible, so my libido has only been unleashed on him for the last twenty years.  This has been mutually beneficial for both of us but now that I'm nearing 40, and my cougar is beginning to purr, I'm wondering if he'll be able to take what I'm about to dish out.

Though he's never approved of any unsuspecting males thus far and only two or three unsuspecting females, it might be worth it to convince him that propositioning you is an outstanding idea.  It's a win for him because he won't become emasculated by any dalliances we might engage in and hey, it's obvious it's a win for me.

No, Uncle Sugar didn't pay for my surgery.  Let's stay on the subject here.

I'm hot for you Mikey.


It's not a hot flash, I'm sure of it.

It's pure, adulterated, uncontrollable, breathless, lust for your fine Arkansas form.

I wet my lips when I look at your smile.
The part in your hair makes me shiver.
I want to nibble on your wattle.  I need to nibble on your wattle.
When you speak in public, and point your finger above the microphone, I imagine that you're pointing at me, and I'm hormonally wooed by your very words and your pasty countenance.  Sometimes I miss half of your sound bites because I have to get up and change my clothes.
Let's get together, Mike.
...and if I happen to conceive your love child, despite my tubal ligation, we'll call it what it is....God's approval of a beautiful and extremely sexy time in our lives.
Who knows what we'll title the sex tape. 
If you have any ideas about that, let me know.  I'm desperate to hear from you. 
With much lust,
Becky - The Absent Minded Housewife
P.S.  I promise to shave my armpits before we meet.

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